Layers

i display myself differently in front of different people. i'm NOT saying i'm being hypocrite. it meant that i reveal my real self more to some than the others. it's a defensive maneuver that i subconsciously do.

with certain people, they bring out the worse in me. with them i can drop all attempts on holding "civilized" conversations, do what i want without worrying about them being offended. they can stand the crap i gave them, and i can stand theirs. friends is what i called these people.

one of the reasons that prompted this post; my really-nice-goody-two-shoes new roommate was overwhelmed when my colleagues from Bio school hang out in my room recently. with them, i'm ikanrerama WITHOUT 5 layers of politeness. it was amusing to see her flinched and blinked at every bodohs, celakas and other "loving endearments" we use when we conversed. i know at least two of my colleagues did it on purpose just to see how far her jaw will drop (sad to say, it was only approximately 2 cm....teeheee).

another reason was that mr.melancholy claimed that i'm the only person in the whole penang who knows the real him. i beg to differ. it's just that i've seen the him without 3 layers of suave and charm. it's a huge credit to take, of knowing another human being so thoroughly. because...there're still so many complex, private layers of you that i haven't seen yet.
you do understand what i'm trying to say, don't you?

speaking of which, i think it's disturbing to have another person knowing yourself very well. the random occasions when someone spoke my thoughts out loud or understood what i want without me saying anything had, in more ways, freaked me out. it felt as if i've exposed too much of myself. which is for me, a big deal. too personal and too dangerous for my own sake. there're just some things about me that i like to keep to myself. thank you for your "concerns" but no thanks...capiche?

owh...and do you think that you'd know me by just reading my words? think again.

I don't know how I got so tangled up.

with work.

spending weekends doing proximate analysis is something i might wish upon my worst enemy...if i hated that person that much. staring at buchner funnels and distillation units is NOT. FUN. AT ALL.

so much has happened, so many things going on, sometimes it feels like i'm at my wit's end. it doesn't help having him wanting to do everything together. where "everything together" means i'm the one doing ALL the work. and him? "Supervising". sigh~*

muse: lament, lament, lament....
rerama: owh...juz shadap.

Hey Hanot!

miss-trippin'-around-the-globe-hanot was back in malaysia. specifically in penang. what did she do to warrant her own personal post? nada, except for being the wonderful friend she is.

the air in paris seems to do wonders for her. and she was bursting with good news too. i'm very, very honoured....u~mmm...aaa...erks. :cue for rerama to bite her lips: see? see? i'm trying to be as vague as possible altho i'm bursting too...eheheh....

thanx for the souvenir. but i'm still waiting for the REAL one though (let this post serves as your reminder, mon cherie....ngehngeh).

and not forgetting, today on the 8th of august 2007, i must wish her...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANOT!!!

Revenge is...sweet, wholesome goodness

I found myself that morning, sandwiched between 2 guys who were talking to each other over my head, waiting in a long line at USM security office. I need to queue up to obtain a form from this counter, fill it up, then queue at another counter to collect my car pass.

When the guy in front of me reached his turn, I couldn't believe my eyes when his friend decided to stand beside him, effectively jumping queue. I gave the jumper (i'm gonna start calling him that instead of the more colourful names i had in mind) the benefit of my doubt, maybe he was trying to help since his friend was having problems with his car insurance. But when it was settled, jumper straight away handed in his things to be processed. Anger literally took my breath away. WTF???!!! I was seeing blood red. His blood to be exact. Who does he think he is???

Jumper was telling the officer that he was collecting his car pass as a PPMS (means freshmen orientation week facilitator, this means he's a 3rd year undergrad at best), smirking with self-importance as if the whole universe should be impressed.

Bristling with suppressed anger i snapped at him,
"Doesn't mean if you're a PPMS, you have the right to jump queue."
"I did? But I'm with my friend. The one who was standing in front of you."
"I know he's standing in front of me. But you were standing BEHIND me."
"So, you want to take back your turn?"
Cocky bastard, the officer has already finished and now handing his form.
"Owh, don't mind me. You finish up first." If sarcasm was liquid, I swear it will be dripping buckets out of my mouth that moment.
"How nice of you," he said. Not even bothering to hide his smugness. The officer behind the counter only raised an eyebrow at our exchange, but I assure you, my form was handed to me quickly.

As fate had it, i wound up standing behind jumper at the other queue. God brought down His judgment swift enough. It turned out that jumper couldn't collect his car pass because he has a standing summon on his car from previous semester. He huffed and puffed but the officer wouldn't budge. Resigned, jumper stormed out of the office but not without trying his very best to not look at me. And I was trying my very best to catch his eyes so that I can say "serves you right" straight at his face, followed by gleeful, evil laughter.

My, my. Revenge really taste awfully sweet, isn't it? ~ikanrerama merrily waving HER car pass to said jumper's face~

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..........

Because i like Harry Potter

reading the book,i mean.

surprise,surprise. ikanrerama = Draco?? ummm....aaa....*ponder,ponder~*

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

excerpts from emails

-How is ur ISH work now? did boss send u anything regarding to the probe verification? blah, blah...yada, yada...
-i'm busy with GC work now. but i've already finished on synthesizing both antisense+sense probes. now need to wait for the rna marker for verification. blablabla...
- ...
-lupa nk tambah. wat boss said regarding probe verification. owh...dia cakap banyak but in short:-
"don't be stupid. go order rna marker."

all in all a normal day in lab...ngahahahaha.

i plead ignorance

A friend was offended when i said i don't know who the hell is Heliza ~pun intended~ (by d way, she was one of the finalists in malaysian reality tv show Akademi Fantasia).

This made him launched a "i-can't-believe-you-where-on-earth-have-you-been-didn't-you-read-the news" lecture.

Oh please. I replied. Unless she was featured in Aquaculture or Developmental Biology journals, I have no reason to care about her.

Don't you at least watch tv? He exclaimed.

Well, I do ocasionally. Hey, even my hostel block has ASTRO. But why in sweet heavens MUST. I. WATCH. AF??

I can see that he's getting more livid by the minute. I sorta understood his feelings. It must be how I will feel if somebody criticized L'Arc en Ciel.

Not wanting him to burst a vein, I took the easy way out and tried to placate him. Sorry, I said. It's just that I don't read *cough*tabloid*cough* news much.

THEN, he started another lecture on how "it-is-important-to-read-news-or-you-can't-get-any-job-bcoz-you-don't-even-
know-who-Heliza-is".He even gave me an impromptu quiz on malaysian business+politics. Which yours truly lack in general knowledge.
Double damn...

I can see his point. The world doesn't revolve around things that only I deemed important. Sometimes I need to conform my ideals to the world's expectations. Nevertheless, he don't need to have that wide smirk on his face. ~geram~

And the big question still remains, where does Heliza fit in all this???

the world music festival RAWKS!!!!

it was held outdoors near Penang Botanical Garden. nothing as insignificant as the fact that we're nearly drenched to our undies by the rain can hinder our enthusiasm. the crowd was awesome too though i can't help but wish those kiasus would have stayed home rather than blocking our view with their enormous umbrellas. i also wished i own a digicam so i can capture some "interesting" moments. ngehngehngeh.... but i did caught on record kryptic's voice mengumpat pirate (sorry babe, i "ter"already let him hear it in lab...ooops...)

there were performances from sarawak, kelantan wayang kulit, panpipes from solomon island, weird music from mongolian/russian border, country music from usa, acapella from italy and drum beats from west africa. the panpipers win the audience hands down. their music was so fun.

you can sample some snippets here:
sarawak performance
they vibrated their throats to make music
it was said to be a street dance??
dance la weihh..hehe...

and i've shouted myself hoarse. yet again. wHooOOoOOoooooT!!!!
uhuk...uhuk.....

Stirred memories

Someone once asked me whether i liked him.

I looked at him straight in the eyes and replied without hesitation.

Yes, of course. I like you as a friend.

A denial. A lie.

Only as a friend? He asked.

Yes. Repeat denial.

Really? He asked again.

Really. Repeat lie.

I only liked you as a friend.

Repeat.

I only liked you as a friend.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

In the end not only him, I too believed my own lies.

The More Loving One

by W.H.Auden,1957

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man to beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be
Let the more loving be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total darkness sublime
Though this might take me a little time.

~ooh...lovely...like dark chocolate, bittersweet but still stuck to the roof of your mouth. you know what i mean~

ikanrerama's not feeling well....

what great way to wake oneself in the morning but with a throbbing head? not to mention that it's monday of all days, and i have a busy schedule ahead. turns out i had to skip a 9.30 am appointment with the technician (nana, thanx for covering ur senpai's ass).

add to that a mucus-running nose and a sore throat. i put the blame wholly on late nights, inhaling secondhand ciggie smoke, and excessive karaoke sessions during the weekend. oh, the woe of being dragged by overzealous friends all around town. i am so charging u guys with my lung-cancer/throat treatment bills.

downing cough mixtures and paracetamols will only knock me out. unless someone's willing to monitor the GC machine for me, i can't afford to drug myself to stupor.

yay! way to go on living a healthy lifestyle rerama-you-dumb-dongkoi.

muse: -throwing rerama dirty looks-
me: what?? i'm just being bitchy bcoz sick people are supposedly allowed to do so....~whine~

familiar faces

some of my old friends has returned to haunt penang again. is KL really not that happening?

i know, i know. as the malay saying goes tempat jatuh lagi dikenang, inikan pula tempat jatuh cinta...oops...bermain. which means something like; if you remember the place where you have bad memories, you'll surely remember the place with good memories.

i wonder how much memories i've accumulated living nearly 7 yrs in penang?

it was decidedly weird

he'll be the last person on earth that i thought i can get along with. bcoz as long as i can remember, we've been at each other's throats since as long as i can remember.

and there i was, laughing at his jokes (amusing they were), admiring his daughter's pics, having a decent conversation together, and the thought "he's not that bad" ACTUALLY crept into my mind.

mebbe my BS-tolerance level has increased with wisdom and age?
or mebbe i have never bothered to look past his facade and see the man he is now?

i like to think it's the former.

what makes it weirder was some of the things we talked about were really eye-openers. it's like you wondered why izit the decepticons took so long to find megatron. and then your car transformed into starscream and explained to you that their GPS malfunctioned and it's only after hundred yrs that they managed to find our constellation. or something.

heh, i suck at metaphors.

to mr.macho dad, you gave me a whole new meaning to the word "cliche". i hate it when you're right.

and yes, you're mooning at your new Tag watch.

i've been promoted!!

the 11th batch of SEMESTIANs (class 94-98) are planning to commemorate our 10th year of leaving our alma mater with a big reunion in 2008. i juz can't believe how dedicated these guys are. full-detail plannings, very descriptive task descriptions for each committee members, WITH gantt charts involved. my respect for you guys borders toward horror (just joking...seriously!!).

by d way, the organizing committee has assigned me the job as one of the reunion's publicists (i wonder why they did that? snicker~*) my main task is to make sure the whole batch is kept up-to-date. this means i have to compile a database. and it means i have to ask, beg and threaten everyone for their personal details. our online community only has 104 members, this also means that i need to do some detective work to trace the MIAs which is like another 60 people. oh, well. time to dial everybody in my phonebook.

as it is, only founder/administrator/moderators can post announcements in our online community. since i'm just a humble member, i left a message for them to help me post mine on the announcement board. imagine my surprise when the next day i found out that i've been promoted to moderator. well, they must be thinking "wtf, since she'll be bugging us like...A LOT, why not just let her have access to the announcement board." ngahaha...i would like to express my gratitude for their faith in me.

Thus, my 1st announcement as a moderator. a tribute to komui lee a.k.a the mad scientist in me.

any 11batch members reading this would know what to do right? start sending me your personal details people. the publicist has spoken. (gipang nye dia...)

Selfish

sometimes you just need to be selfish
so that others won't take you for granted
don't you hate it when you can't say no?
even when you know you're being manipulated
just indulge yourself in a little ME-ME time
you'll find that it's very self-satisfactory

this is dedicated to a friend who has been very unselfish..
you need to learn to say NO demmit!