cage of loneliness

-translated from Kaoru's 143-

CSI

went to feringghi beach last week and bought CSI:vegas 2nd season. tried to watch the 23-episodes back 2 back this week but too many things needed my attention. but still, i've managed it to finish it today. i've always thought the series was great. science at it's coolest. and the state-of-the-art equipments and analytical machines...drool... there's this one episode that shows the actors using this very,very cool GC machine. agilient technologies, auto multiple sample injector. oooh... what i would do to put my hands on one. not to mention nick stokes (played by george eads)...THAT is one hot scientist. i wonder why nobody in my school looks like him?? hohoho... can't wait to go feringghi again to buy the next season.

Mileage

Another 10 march has come and gone. if not for kawan-kawan who wishes me few days in advance, i would have entirely forgotten that it was my birthday yesterday. guess the novelty of it has worn off with age (but i'm only 26!!). talk about lame. i noted that most of my well-wishers are those who are dear to me. THANK YOU. it's very comforting to know that people i cherish will always remember the day i was born. (^_^)

i was told (as subtle as a brick to the forehead) that i've become spiteful and more sarcastic lately. so not true!! well....come to think of it, maybe a little bit. very,very little. and i just want to tell this particular person that i do appreciate your concern. who would've like someone like that? i wouldn't like me either. although i agree that not pointing out the obvious is very unhelpful of me, i would like to state again that it's not. my. fault. as if it was me who started it. i'm trying to be less nosey, by the way. and do i look like i even care? tell me because then it means that my facial expression is not coordinated with my thoughts.
-long pause- ooh...rupanya i AM being spiteful.

okay lah. i'll take your advice. i'll try to be a better person after this. somebody once told me that i'm one of the most positive people he knew (oh my, where has all the positiveness gone?). i'll try to be that positive person again.

please stick around and be the voice in my head.

Sand in my shoes

Two weeks away it feels like the whole world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

[Chorus:]
I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused
but I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on the plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunset
And take my time
Take up our time

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes to change and turn me around, I've fallen
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see you again

when the silence is comfortable

situation one:
juz 2 of us left in lab since the others went back to celebrate chinese new year. the thing is, both of us went about minding our own business. only occasional remarks or small talks but besides that, we sat in the lab hours without interrupting each other. my labmate managed to do more work than she usually does during normal working days. and as for me, work plodded along fine and i did some social networking outside my usual scope. i don't think i can do that if i'm not left alone.it's so true that a break from normal will do wonders for you.



situation two:
the wall of silence that i put between us was a relief. with it came the calm that had eluded me since he came into my life. i did some analyzing and decided that nothing good can ever come out of it. i don't want to be obsessing about us anymore. if this is the best for me, so be it.




situation three:
my opinions were somewhat discounted. although i know the answer, people doesn't seem to realize that. rather than argue or volunteer the informations needed, i'll juz save the heartache it will cost me and shut up.

Riding a ferris wheel

I abandoned my fears and
peered through the bars
I saw your face among the crowd
My heart took comfort
You will be there

As I ascended higher
I touched the sky
I whispered to the moon
and took delight in
what the sky has to offer

When it is time
the ride came to a stop
I sought you among the faces
But when I found you
I also found out that
The feeling has also ended with the ride.

Valentine's Day Special

my horoscope on 14th february 2007 said that i will "have a chance in love and a romantic day ahead"...

well, not quite the romantic day for me. but it wasn't a letdown either. Our boss treated us buffet lunch at Equatorial due to his recent promotion to associate professor. Congrats boss!! We had a blast trying out the buffet spread and also trying to reach the 5 plate minimum limit. hehe…
Nothing planned for the night though. Then, out of nowhere an ex-classmate sms-ed and asked me out. We’ve been in the same class since form 2. I imagine it would be awkward bcoz we weren’t exactly the best of friends then. Nonetheless, we still had loads to talk about. Had a nice dinner and showed him penang’s night life. It was fun reminiscing our school days and exchanging gossips with him. Plus, it was somewhat a relief to talk to someone (other than my labmates) about my research without getting a blank look since he was in biotech research too.
So, that’s how I spent my Valentine’s Day. In the company of friends. I’m not fooling myself to expect that this year I will have a special someone to spend it with me. Taking my love life in consideration, I’ve been lucky that I haven’t burnt myself playing with matches or lighters or Bunsen burners. Yes, I’m searching for Mr.right-for-me, but I know I’m not trying hard enough. Next valentine maybe?
But please…don’t hold your breath.

oblivious

insects galore

Our school had a “2-days special” post-grad presentations from the vector parasite control unit.

The title premises promised to be exciting, and yet exciting the presenters were not. maybe I’m just tired and couldn’t focus. Maybe they were plain dull.

However, I did absorb a thing or two from the slides. I learn that …

-termite colonies can destroy building structures.
-cockroaches eat other cockroaches’ vomit, shit and carcass…eww….
-Malaysia has its share of bed bug infestations in 5 star hotels. It was gross to see pics of the bugs fattened with human blood. Yech...
-virgin bed bugs (male&female) lives longer than their sexually active counterparts…a case of “I-can’t-die-till-I-mate”, I guess….
-ants can carry things 20 times their body weight. And some ants look pretty on screen.

oh look!! there goes a cockroach…dos cucarachas, tres cucarachas…zzzZZzzz…

when you thought you are fragile, you discovered that your heart had an armor

why izit women emotions are very much influenced by their hormones? i for once like to blame other factors as my source of unexplainable tantrums and outbursts. can i say i'm angry bcoz of global warming?or maybe i'll tell the poor soul who i snapped at juz now that it was simply bcoz she's there dat makes me feel irritated. however, nothing beats like an apology dat sounds like this, "sorry i bit your head off...PMS lah today..." you actually can get away with it. hah!

by d way, life threw an unexpected surprise. i met the guy who caused a rift between a girlfriend and me few years ago. and this friendship i once consider very dear. we didn't hang out together anymore after that. during dat time, a lot of well-meaning friends told me dat i should forgive her but i just couldn't. i did try to swallow my pride and reach out to her but she shrugged my good intentions away. it's true...those dat you really care will hurt you the most. i've been wondering all these years what will i feel if i meet him again? will my anger to him still the same as few years back? what should i say to him? how should i act? i surprised myself because i handled the meeting well. i looked at him and tried to find the resentment i thought i still had in my heart but i found nothing. does this mean i've already forgiven him? forgiven her? maybe. i think it's just dat she is not an important person to me anymore. i've already moved on.

walau weh...i'm really proud of myself. *pat..pat*

for now i'll focus on the relationships i have. put more effort on maintaining them. no use to linger on the past. after living this long i think i can differentiate between true friends or not. besides, true friends will always tolerate my unstable hormones...right?right?

if...

terkilan

"what does the word mean?", keith asked me this afternoon.

i explained to him that it is usually used to describe the upset feeling of someone that was left behind.

"so actually, it means disappointed. no?"

disappointed? it doesn't actually suit the malay meaning of it. but yeah, maybe disappointed could best interpret the word 'terkilan'.

and come to think of it, i've been feeling a bit terkilan lately.

somebody didn't tell me that he's going through a big change in his life. terkilan.
a friend have been snooping around behind my back. why not ask me directly? terkilan.
i've been taken for granted. i'm only needed when that person is feeling down. terkilan.

the varying degree of disappointments from a single malay word...

heavy-duty reading

am currently reading Steve Coll's acclaimed book titled "Ghost Wars: The Secret history of CIA, Afghanistan, and Bin Laden, from the Soviet Invasion to September 10, 2001". for someone who is a self-proclaimed history-phobic, i found this book very engaging. the thickness of it was quite intimidating at first. but then the contents pull me right in. so now, every night i'll read at least 2-3 chapters and stop around 1am as the next day i have to come early to lab. can't afford to do labworks in a sleepy state. this is one history book i'll vouch for. although as histories go, there always never be a happy ending...indeed.

Conquistadores: reprise

2nd december 2006
embarked on a journey towards the edge of penang isle.

5.45am is not early. early is in the mind of the sleepy...


Gate to paradise? Sorta.

en route to Teluk Kampi.
for the sake of the curious, lead us to adventure.

now....where were we just then??

a beautiful scenery greeted the weary hikers.
and what had the sensei in red have to say to them?


Look.
My footprints in the sand are among of many.
Hence, they will be,
and so, they've always been...

pics courtesy of mr.pirate & mr.stalker
~upgrading the art of stalking-

La pasado, pasado

what is past, is past

i was unable to access usm network this coupla weeks. our building's volatile internet connection, as usual, hindered all online activities. even my busy boss has offered to download online journals for us (aww.....).

nways, ikanrerama's blog has reached its' 1 year mark. looking back to previous posts, i felt blessed. god has given me good health, a loving family, happening labmates (woohooo!!!) and worthy companions. 2006 had its' share of emotional roller coasters, from traumas to flying-without-wings-like happiness. december especially held a special meaning for me as old acquaintances were renewed and new bonds were forged.

someone asked me these questions some time ago.what's my take on the world today? why izit dat i dun blog about more pressing issues like iraqi war or siti nurhaliza(oops...dato' siti now)??
izit wrong to write wat i want? i dun think i'm ignorant if i dun blog about those serious stuffs. it's juz dat i chose not to. like i chose not to eat McD anymore, like i chose not to throw the PCR machine out of the window when it died on me, like i chose not to mutilate certain annoying someones...well, you know what i mean. pleasantly surprising, i did found out dat this blog has it's own readers eventho they can't comment...(sorry ya...i'm still activating that comment-spam thingy). especially after my kenari was admitted into ICU, i've had messages and calls from old mates with the same theme,"hi rerama.so long no see.how are u?is everything fine?" although some ppl like to beat around the bush, it's good to know dat they still care... (^_^)

as we bid 2006 a fond farewell, let's welcome 2007 with hope dat it will be another great year filled with flowers... to 407 labmates...iVAMONOS!